You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
