i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
