life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
