I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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