Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Text me some of your sweat
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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