everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
nutella sex= disaster
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
