There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
