Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
