Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
