who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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