i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
