We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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