I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize