he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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