Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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