Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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