What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
