He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
