Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
