Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
