Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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