so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
