I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
