weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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