shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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