The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
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This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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