Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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