New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
