i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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