my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
this beer tastes like vomit already
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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