I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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