Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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