i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
