Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I think my vagina is haunted
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
