Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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