Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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