We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
