I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
