you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
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He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
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I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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