A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
