2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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