Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
