Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
