anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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