I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
