she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
This house was built for laser tag.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
