2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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