we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
