I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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