Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
