did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
