next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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