you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
