grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
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You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
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Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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