Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
