FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
