Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
