He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
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I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
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I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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