i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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