so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
