Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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