I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
God I need to hump something, right now.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
