Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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