apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
