Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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