I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Randomize
